Do one thing everyday that scares you

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"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." - Anaïs Nin

I stepped on my scales this morning after binging last night. I have not weighed this much in a long, long time. I don’t know what to think - my head is spinning. I feel huge. I am huge. And I can’t take it any longer. I want to lose weight so badly but I have lost the ability to. It’s frustrating and it kills me - why can’t I do it anymore? (I’m lazy, that’s why)

So what do I do now? Do I try and lose weight? Do I try to accept my weight? Do I try to normalize (whatever that may mean) my eating or do I accept my nightly binges as normalcy? I don’t know. I’m lost. Please help me. I’ve been a healthy weight for a year now. Weight restored for probably half a year now. I have no deficit to make up for anymore, there is literally no excuse for me to be binging as much as I am.

I want to lose weight so badly. Or not care about it. But the latter seems to be impossible so all I can think about is the former. Sigh.

I’m lost and fat and chubby and gross and huge and wobbly but mostly I’m in my twenties and scared as hell.

— 1 day ago with 7 notes
#ed recovery  #bed recovery  #ana recovery  #what the hell is this 

oh my God I eat to much I’m so fat lol I hate myself whyyyyyyy

— 1 day ago with 3 notes
#ed recovery  #binge  #bed recovery  #ana recovery 
  • A girl with the greatest boobs ever came into work today and I had to seriously bite my tongue as to not compliment them. “Nice boobs” is not a work friendly sentence. I wish it was though.
  • I am really, really hungry and I have nothing that’s appealing soooo I might have to go out and get something but I’m just so dang lazy. I’ve been eating trail mix like a crazy person in order to satisfy my hunger & cravings but a big juicy piping hot burrito would be nice. Daaaaaang.
  • I’m so hungry gahhhhhh
— 2 days ago with 1 note
#my life  #hungry  #ed recovery  #ana recovery  #recovery 

…and then they forgot to give me my lunch. So I’m eating lunch now. At four. Yay.

— 2 days ago

and now I’m upset because my extra hot no foam skinny mocha is in fact not extra hot and all foam.

i just don’t want to be awake today

— 2 days ago
[insert grumpy face here]

Help guys, something’s happening. So what usually gets me out of bed is the prospect of getting a big, sweet, creamy mug full of coffee. It’s my favorite part of the day (that sounded sadder than it actually is, whooops). Buuuut today I woke up not wanting any? I made tea and forced that down my throat. Didn’t really want it either, but I can’t drink cold drinks aka water first thing in the morning or I’ll feel sick. I’m dehydrated because I didn’t drink near enough yesterday and mehhh this just sucks because my morning is ruined.

— 2 days ago with 1 note
#ignore me I'm being a baby  #drama queen  #but srsly tho 
Anonymous asked: Is it appropriate to ask what a 10,000 calorie binge looks like? I have ANR so I don't understand bingeing but sounds really scary!



— 4 days ago with 8 notes
Anonymous asked: Do you think you've switched from anorexia to BED? I'm sorry if this question is too personal.


This is the fourth time I am trying to write a response. I have deleted the other three because they don’t make any sense. It seems like such a simple question but I’m having a hard time answering it.

***TW for mentionning calories***

Short answer: No. I did not switch from AN to BED.

I do however frequently binge and/or overeat. I fit most of the criteria for BED and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to stop. Here’s why it’s not BED though; Most of my binges are a result of undereating during the day or out of habit. Every now and then I binge because of emotional reasons, mostly anxiety.

In addition to that, I still have some rules that I can’t break when it comes to food. I do feel a loss of control when I binge, yes, but it’s not like I go to the store in a fog and buy all the food I’d like. There’s still that barrier in me that stops me from going all too crazy. So when I do binge, I binge on what I have at home.

Nowadays my binges are in the 1,000 - 2,000 calorie range. When I was underweight I’d binge on far more! I had 10,000+ calorie binges so what I’m experiencing now is far less traumatic. I handle my binges much better now. I can accept it and move on. My self worth is not dependant on how many calories I eat. Not anymore. 

— 4 days ago with 3 notes
blah blah’s from my brain

I want to lose weight so badly…. but I can’t. I am unable to restrict. I know there is no strength in starving and destroying myself but it’s frustrating to lose the ability to do the one thing I was good at.

So I’m sat in my kitchen, eating peanut butter and chocolate and cereal and ice cream and fruit and veggies and cheese and crackers and nuts and sandwiches and self loathing by the spoon full. And then I wonder why my pants are snug.

See, I falsely believe I’m unhappy because I’m fat chubby. In reality though, I’m unhappy and chubby. The two are in no way related. Losing weight won’t make me any happier, it hasn’t and it never will. I know that (but I’m not sure I believe it).

I just wanna lose the weight and the sadness

— 5 days ago with 6 notes
#ed recovery  #personal  #ana recovery  #bed recovery  #eating disorder recovery  #recovery 
day in the life of
  • Even my ‘fat-pants’ have gotten tight. I am just going to live in PJ’s and leggins for the rest of my life.
  • Did a side-by-side photo comparison of me in February and now… t’was not a brilliant idea.
  • I need to go grocery shopping. I’m all out of stuff.
  • Can I justify having another cup of coffee? (The answer is “no” but I’m brewing one as I type anyways, haha)
  • So much to do today! Restricting is not on my to-do list today so sushhhhh brain.
— 5 days ago with 5 notes
#my day  #my life  #my brain  #ed recovery  #ana recovery  #recovery