I’ve been thinking many weird thoughts lately. Like, if I were to see an exact copy of my body walking the streets, I’d think it was cute. But because I am me, I can’t think that. I was less at one point, so every bit more, is “too much”.
I compare my present body to my old one. The thin one. The lean legs, the scary arms, bony chest and hollow cheeks… and I miss it. I hate the fact that I do but I just do. I wasn’t healthy, but I was thin.. and at that time, that seemed a pretty okay compromise.
Now I miss being thin… but I sure as hell don’t miss any other aspect of thin. Thin for me was misery, pain and isolation. I want the best of both worlds - thin & healthy, thin & happy, thin & functioning. It’s not that I am fat… it’s just that I’m fatter than I used to be. I’m more than I was and more often than not it all just seems “too much”.
Thin and unhealthy is just not an option for me anymore. I need to learn to love normal and healthy. Normal and healthy will potentially turn into healthy and happy… and thin and unhealthy will never, ever turn into anything good.