Do one thing everyday that scares you

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"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." - Anaïs Nin

I was out with a friend today and I casually suggested that “we should go to the cheesecake factory and get cheesecake sometime”. I was surprised I’d even say that. It just slipped out of my mouth, I wasn’t thinking, I was just being me… it made me so, so happy, you have no idea. I then thought “wow, not having an ED is fun” but since I’m me and I like to ruin beautiful moments, I went home and binged. Yeah that’s that.

— 20 hours ago with 10 notes
#ed recovery  #ana recovery  #bed recovery  #eating disorder recovery  #recovery  #binge 

I probably have not doubled in size during the day but it sure feels that way.

— 1 day ago with 1 note
Red lipstick; Thank you.

Once again I look like a real adult, who has her life together. My outfit’s on pointe and so is my make up. #feelingfierce

— 2 days ago with 6 notes
#positivity  #ed recovery  #eating disorder recovery  #body positive  #don't hate me cause I'm beautiful  #:) 
Is this backwards body dysmorphia or what?

Things are a little strange, people.

My fat pants are super tight. I’m afraid I’m going to rip the blouse that I’m wearing. Everything’s tight and uncomfortable. I must’ve gained a substantial amount of weight… only I’m sure I haven’t? I don’t look bigger and I certainly don’t feel bigger. I look just fine. I kinda even like my body the way it is now (haha - funny how writing this makes me feel guilty and wrong).

I’m okay with this body. I identify with this body. I can see myself living in it for a long time, whereas with my old, sick body, everything felt different. I knew I wouldn’t be skinny forever. I knew it was all temporary, it never felt like home… and this one does. I’m home now.

So why are things tight that shouldn’t be? I’m so confused. I’m torn between “I LOVE MY BODY AS IS” and “OMG I MIGHT BE MUCH, MUCH, MUUUUUCH BIGGER THAN I THINK I AM”. It’s kind of confusing.

Words of wisdom, anyone?

— 2 days ago with 7 notes
#ed recovery  #ana recovery  #eating disorder recovery  #bed recovery  #weight restored  #weight gain  #recovery  #recovered  #body dysmorphia 
I may be well even when others aren’t.

Good things happen to me and I deserve them. Yes, there’s people out there who have it a lot worse than me but that doesn’t make me undeserving of the opportunities that I have, the love that I recieve and the friends and family that support me. It just makes me incredibly lucky.

— 4 days ago with 6 notes
#ed recovery  #ana recovery  #positive self talk  #positivity  #recovery  #anxiety  #eating disorder recovery 
Sunday funday, it’s time for a little positivity!

I’m trying to focus more on the positive side of things. Whenever I think about something that went well, I immediately follow up with something negative. Doing that sucks the joy right out of it. I’d say something like “I went to get ice cream and chose what I wanted but I felt really guilty afterwards”.

I don’t know why I do that? Is it to prove that I still struggle? To whom am I trying to prove things? Why can’t I just let it go and acknowledge that some things are just freaking fantastic?

So I’m starting this exercise. I am going to list a few things each day that were great. No need to dwell on the negatives. So here we go.

Today I:

  • Woke up early and had a pretty relaxed morning
  • Had Starbucks twice
  • Sent a thank-you note
  • Bought a super cute sweater. On sale. Hell yeah!
  • went to get ice cream and had what I wanted (and not what I thought I should have)
  • BOOKED MY VACATION :) :) :) :) :)

(It’s hard but you should try it)

— 4 days ago with 4 notes
#ed recovery  #ana recovery  #eating disorder recovery  #recovery  #positivity  #sunday funday 

I had peppermint bark for dessert. And now I’m feeling really very positively and most definitely guilty for having eaten it. I feel guilty because I don’t know how many cals I had (not that I count, but I like knowing) and bc I also had an unknown cal lunch (which like never happens). And that my friends, is really very positively and most definitely fucking ridiculous.

— 5 days ago with 4 notes
#ed recovery  #ana recovery  #eating disorder recovery  #recovery 
what red lipstick does to me

I just did my make up and I feel confident and hot. Right this very second, I’m madly and wildly in love with myself. I am rocking my new body and it suits me so well. I think this is the way it’s supposed to be - it just looks right. It might not always feel right yet but if I give it some time, it will. I’m gorgeous and smoking hot.

Hell yeah, I’m a hottie!

— 1 week ago with 20 notes
#feeling hot  #and beautiful  #ed recovery  #body positivity  #positivity  #love yourself  #recovery  #eating disorder recovery 
live blogging from my brain

I’ve been thinking many weird thoughts lately. Like, if I were to see an exact copy of my body walking the streets, I’d think it was cute. But because I am me, I can’t think that. I was less at one point, so every bit more, is “too much”.

I compare my present body to my old one. The thin one. The lean legs, the scary arms, bony chest and hollow cheeks… and I miss it. I hate the fact that I do but I just do. I wasn’t healthy, but I was thin.. and at that time, that seemed a pretty okay compromise.

Now I miss being thin… but I sure as hell don’t miss any other aspect of thin. Thin for me was misery, pain and isolation. I want the best of both worlds - thin & healthy, thin & happy, thin & functioning. It’s not that I am fat… it’s just that I’m fatter than I used to be. I’m more than I was and more often than not it all just seems “too much”.

Thin and unhealthy is just not an option for me anymore. I need to learn to love normal and healthy. Normal and healthy will potentially turn into healthy and happy… and thin and unhealthy will never, ever turn into anything good.

— 1 week ago with 7 notes
#ed recovery  #recovery  #ana recovery  #eating disorder recovery  #bed recovery  #personal  #diary