I’m bigger than I have been in a long, long time. My fat pants barely fit, they’re so tight nowadays. I don’t want to be this size… I feel gross. I want to be thin. I want to be so thin it hurts to look.
So I’m here in bed, planning out how I’m going to lose so much weight and exercise, just like I used to. I’m making plans, detailed plans… but they’ll stay just that; Plans.
These days I can’t restrict anymore. I won’t restrict anymore. All of me screams at me how weak I’ve become. Maybe some day I’ll believe that I’m not weak at all. Maybe I’ll believe that my body is stronger than my mental illness, and that that’s a good thing?
Either way, I am feeling v uncomfortable in my own body and the only thing that’s helping me through this, is planning on losing a butt load of weight. I know that I have to come up with a healthier coping mechanism eventually, but right now this is the only thing that will help me through tonight.
I need to lose weight so badly…
How important is it to stop counting calories?? I just began self-recovery (because no one cares to see i have this stupid problem). I understand I'm underweight and need to gain but I'm really scared of overeating. I want to be normal and eat and not care soooooo bad. Should I just stop? How will I know if I'm eating enough or too much? Advice please ):
For me, giving up the calorie counting was one of the best decisions I have ever made. The freedom it’s given me is too vast to put in words. It wasn’t easy, but I made it. I just quit cold turkey. I deleted my app and just stopped logging everything I eat. Keeping track of calories isn’t something that ‘normal’ people do on a daily basis.
The ‘how do I know if I’m eating enough’ is most likely a trap your ED has set up - it’s a trick to keep you focused on calories. You’re not stupid. You’ll know. Start eating regularly. Have breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack, dinner and another snack. Create a meal plan for yourself that you can stick to. Ask somebody to hold you accountable if you need to.
Recovery and weight gain is weird and messy but necessary. Quit the counting. You don’t need those numbers in your life. <3
Got invited for a night out with friends and all I wanna do is isolate myself and sleep. If I did that, they’d probably stop inviting me for good, which would be
great as I wouldn’t have to feel quilty for cancelling terrible, as I am really lucky to have friends like them.
I said I’d go and I will. Trying to get exited. Maybe a nap will help, I’m exhausted already.
#fucking peanut butter eh
It took me way too long to decide that I should have dinner. My work schedule was different today so meal times got pushed back and it all felt very weird. I had a dinner-ish snack late this afternoon so I could’ve easily skipped dinner. I wasn’t even hungry but rational me decided that dinner is not optional. I had a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and peanut butter as well as apple slices drizzled with honey. I am kicking myself for having the pb and the honey, all ‘extras that I didn’t really need’, because let’s face it ‘I’m chubby enough’ and ‘I could’ve done without them’.
But the bagel was delish. I don’t regret that. Neither do I regret the apple. And you know, I can accept the honey, too. It’s just that I really wish I hadn’t eaten the pb because now all I can think about is binging.
Well I'm kinda scared about gaining ALL the weight back but I heard that people in my school find it disgusting how thin I am, which makes me feel so shitty. And I have trouble getting professional help because all the therapists, dietitians, Ed help facilities we've called haven't returned any of our phone calls. So I feel like I have to recover on my own. Are you supposed to eat fear foods first? (Mine include pizza, peanut butter, liquid calories, and sugar foods)
People say mean things like that because they care. Most of them don’t get it and they think it’s simply a matter of eating more. There was a time where my mom would yell at me how disgusting I looked everytime before I left the house. Not because she wanted to hurt me, but because she was hurt. She was worried sick that her little baby girl was nothing more than a bag of bones. Maybe that was her trying to get me to see the same thing she did. What I’m trying to say here is, that don’t let the kids from your school get you down. They probably say that because they’re genuinely worried.
I’d also suggest you keep calling therapists and whatever else it is you need. Do not give up. I saw a dietician that specialized in EDs and a therapist in recovery. They were helpful and I highly recommend a professional support system during recovery. At the end of the day it is still you though, who has to pick up the fork and eat. Recovering without professional help is extremely hard but you can still do it.
As for ‘fear foods’, there really is no right or wrong way. I know some people tackle them first and consciously and then there’s people like me, who take their sweet time. I never made a point to tackle fear foods, I just gained weight and with the weight, I gained peace of mind. Fearfoods just gradually disappeared… There was a time where I would have literally rather died than eaten pasta… and now I cook pasta at midnight, after drinking with my friends.
It’s all about YOU in recovery. What worked for me, may not work for you. In my case, recovery was a lot of trial and error. And perseverance. Take a leap of faith and just do it. I’m always here for support!
its me omg
IT’S HER OMG! Growing more beautiful by the day. Couldn’t be more proud of you.
PS: My brow envy is unreal
Firstly, you are awesome :) secondly, I am sorry but I have to unfollow you just because I feel like following all the ed blogs that I do, is unhelpful for me at this stage. All the very best to you tho xox
Aww you’re a cutie. Don’t feel bad, I’m happy you’re at a point where ED Blogs are no longer appealing to you. Go fly, little dove :)
Hey! I'm trying to start recovery but I feel like my mind won't let me and I'm so damn depressed all the time, but I've had anorexia for 6 months and I'm way underweight and have low blood pressure so I need to get better. I give you so much credit and I seriously look up to you. Would you mind giving me tips?
First of all, congratulations on choosing to recover. You have taken the first step for a long and very hard, yet also rewarding journey. Your mind is not going to ‘let you recover’ for probably some time. You just have to do it anyways. Let your Disorder scream at you, beg you not to eat, to lose weight but whatever you do, don’t listen. Like Rodney Atkins said, “If you’re going through hell, keep on going” (Here’s the song if you’re interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l50L4GYhpLc)
There is no magic spell. It’s freaking hard work. What helped me at first was giving up all control. I’d let my mom serve me my meals (so I wouldn’t be tempted to take too little), I gave up weighing myself and I also got professional help.
Write a list of reasons why you want to recover and read it over and over and over again. Eyes on the prize, baby.
If you have any more questions, let me know. I’m happy to help!